My father

I know in life that we struggle with a lot of things. The biggest is usually to do with personality and relationships with our family. I also know that even though we are born with a certain set of characteristics (including personality traits) that we do also 'inherit' them from one or both of our parents. Problem is that I just plain don't like my Dad. Oh I see the good in him sometimes - he can be very helpful (when he wants to be) and likes to explain things (on and on and on and I think only because he's insecure and needs everyone to know how smart he thinks he is), but the worst part of all of it is... I think I'm a bit like him.

So how do I accept that part of me? Or even harder, how do I change that part of me?? Last night I was at a function where I offered my nutritional services advice and no one took it. Now is that because no one needed it? Is it because no one wanted it from me? Is it because no one likes me? Part of me - the one that puts the wall up, becomes defensive and says, 'well I'm not too keen on this group either', but you know what - I find myself using that explanation quite a lot when I find myself on the outside of groups. Everywhere that my husband has been posted, I have stayed out of that inner circle of wives/girlfriends, etc. I don't know if that's because they're just not my type, or if I choose to do that (however consciously or subconsciouly) or if there's just something about me that people don't like. And if there is, do I say 'whatever, it's their choice' or do I make a concerted effort to change the way I appear to the outward world? Maybe some of all of them. I certainly don't have a lot in common with the people that I live in the village with - but one of my best best friends of all time (in fact a couple of my very good friends) and I have nothing in common and that seems to be what draws us together. Am I being a snob and is it showing?

I'm a bit sad and down because of this. And then I see a lof of my father in me and it makes me angry. I don't want to be that self-obsessed, angry, child-like, impatient man that treats my mother like dirt. That cares only about himself, that puts his needs above even those of his children. I know that I don't share all of his qualities (I definitely don't put the needs of myself above my children and usually not even of my husband), but I do find myself being childlike, being impatient, not noticing other people - forgetting faces, names, etc. and I am not proud of that. But how do I change it? And do I now that almost half my life has passed me by in my current condition and I'm not all that upset or sad by it.

Often when I'm selfless and do things for other people, I get dissapointed because I see that whatever I did out of selflessness was not at all that well received or important to whomever I did it for. Does that mean I didn't do it out of selflessness or does that mean I let people take advantage of me? I don't know. It's not an easy answer and definitely NOT an easy fix. I think I sometimes try too hard to be nice and friendly and it ends up coming across needy and sometimes (like Dave often points out) that I come across too harsh (maybe like my German heritage) and get people's backs up. And I know that once I utter those words, I can't take them back. I did something last year that I'm not sorry about, I only wish that I'd said it more 'constructively', because the person I said it to has never really spoken to me since. It was about a 'family day' which really wasn't - the kids were not allowed to play on the play structures much. It was like sending kids to Disneyland and saying you only have 15 minutes to enjoy all the rides. And I said as much. But, like Dave said, I could have said it a lot more nicely - I think if I would have put myself in the woman's shoes and thought about the hard work that she did to even set it all up, I could have said something positive and then maybe followed it up with a ... but.

Anyway - I'm starting to learn that I can't go back and I can't take things back and regret is an ugly ugly word -so I forgive myself and move on. If someone had said that to me, I would have probably been upset and perhaps angry by it, but I don't harbor week, month, year long grudges and I always give people second chances, so maybe that's what I shoud be thinking when I see those people ignore me or not bring me into their circle. Perhaps it's a circle I don't want to be in. Perhaps I'm a special person that thinks outside the box, that needs to find those special friends who are more like me in that way. And I don't want to put the people in the circle down. They do lots of good here in the community and are very active. To put them down is to be my father again.

I'll think about all this as I jump on my bike and head up the Jenner. Ahhh, hopefully it'll be a good day for a bike ride ;)

Peace